So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
