the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
