thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
