You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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