Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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