Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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