3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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