The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
