shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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