Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
