On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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