I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
