atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
