Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
