Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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