So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
