when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize