My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
