The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize