if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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