I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
