Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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