When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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