swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
