she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Randomize