roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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