seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
