I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
