How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
