A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
