where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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