she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
