Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
