it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
