I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
