I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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