My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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