god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
