I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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