Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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