I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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