It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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