when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
