if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize