Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
