im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
