i just wanna soil my oats bro
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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