Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That's when you crack a 10am beer
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
