Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
