my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
