I have surprise drugs for everyone
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
