Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
