At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
