When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
