I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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