I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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