Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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