im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
