when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
