How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
