how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
