My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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