Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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