why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
