Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
