Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
