we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
