I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
