smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize