You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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