She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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