Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
