So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
