everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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