I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
