i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
