well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
