I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
