is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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