I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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