the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
