Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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